The Most Anxious Day Of My Life

It began on Monday. Nothing good happens on Monday. 

I was working in the student coursework department as a humble office administrator. This involved filing, photocopying, alphabetising, organising marks and hitting my head against the wall. Maybe I shouldn't have skipped that catchup with my Careers Advisor.

I had made some big mistakes recently, and had apologised to my manager about my growing ineptitude. She gave me that look in response. You know the one, seething with disapproval.




Concerned I was going to get the sack, I adopted a butter-wouldn't-melt attitude, and went through my work with a fine tooth comb. I even laughed at my manager's attempt at being funny. 

With my work ethic now matching the discipline of a soldier, I felt nothing could go wrong now. No more disapproving looks. I was going to be the best administrator that the world had ever heard of. 

Yet I couldn't help myself. I was sat on the reception desk, and needed a quick reprieve from boredom. I began to Google 'compass tattoo ideas' I made sure I minimised the screen in case I could hear someone go through the door behind me and catching me in the act.

A menu abruptly appeared on screen, saying TROJAN TROJAN TROJAN. Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit shit (shit!)  My computer had a virus. I thought if I closed it down, it would go, it would all blow over, it would trojan itself away. 

I sat down at my office PC, my skin a little clammy, my mind racing. I let out a sigh of relief as the computer loaded normally. I'd gotten away with looking at tattoos on shift and accidentally downloading a virus whilst at work. 

In the blink of an eye, the screen went black, an all my application icons were replaced by traffic cones. Even the internet icon was a stoic orange road prism. A pop up appeared saying I had to pay $100,000 of bitcoin to get them back again. I think my wallet that day had £2.73 in it and a Subway voucher.

I phoned the IT desk and they came to my rescue, trying not to draw attention to the whole office. I didn't want them thinking I'd been looking at porn. That's the only way you can viruses according to the mainstream media - by looking at something dodgy. 

The next day, the virus had spread onto the work drive and infected the entire bloody office. As soon as I heard, I wanted to crawl away and hibernate. Most of the staff couldn’t even use their work drives. Some where saying they’d have to work weekends. My stress levels began to rise, my heart palpitating. I felt like I was hated in the office, enemy number one. The team were workaholics, it felt like the equivalent of accidentally killing a family pet or cancelling Christmas. 

Our morning meeting was awkward, I couldn’t speak, my words buried under layers of fear and humiliation, like a mental health lasagne. I felt so embarrassed. I went onto Facebook twice during the day to distract myself. This was an incredibly reckless move, as both times I got caught out by my manager. She was so venomous. 

I was using Facebook as an escape tool, or possibly a way to feel comforted and accepted in the midst of this chaos, but being caught made me feel like the naughty boy at school.

I was so nervous, I felt on edge and kept making more mistakes. I walked into the print room, and buried my head against the wall.  My head was so weary, my skin simmering in heat despite the bleak midwinter temperatures. My eyes began to droop.

As I got to the end of the week, I was hauled to the office by my line manager, I took the rap and admitted everything. I promised I was on the straight and narrow from now on. He revealed how people on my own team and in the office had complained about me to him, which was so hard to hear. I came across as confident and a little cocky, not really caring about work, but the truth is I liked to mask my stress and my facade was crumbling.

I felt like the phoenix had risen from the ashes. It was time for a new new fresh start . I strode back into the office with confidence,  but before lunch time it somehow continued to unravel.

I had my two mistakes a few weeks ago which I hadn’t noticed, which both happened prior to fresh start #1. I had copied down student marks wrong as I hadn't been concentrating. My fresh start was in tatters.

My teetotal manager announced she needed some vodka, and she told me to go my lunch break. I sat in the library, daunted about the thought of returning to hell. I was tempted to create a hideaway in the classic literature section.



As I returned, she kept disappearing to speak to the line manager, I knew it was about me. It felt like everyone was speaking about me, that I was to blame for everything. Feeling self conscious, I felt like every movement or breath I took was being judged.

I sat at the reception desk, I was completely numb. My line manager told me to come to his little office. I leapt over the desk and went inside. As soon as I had the chance to sit down, everything came tumbling out. 

I self combusted. I felt so stupid, a grown adult with tears flowing down my cheeks. I held my hands, nervously rubbing my fingers together. My fringe was a mess. He wanted to give me a hug, but instead gave me some water, and some tissues. He theorised I was down about something, and it was affecting my work

I told him I wanted to leave out the back door, I said I wasn’t good enough.

He told me ‘don’t leave.’ Those 2 words meant so much to me. Even now I can picture him saying it, and him having self-belief in me gave me the motivation to continue.

I asked to speak my manager to say sorry for my mistakes, he brought her inside. She didn’t seem so concerned that I become this disheveled, watery faced creature, and I apologised for everything that had been happening. She took a snipe at me for looking at Facebook, which was incredibly hard as I was baring my soul in front of her and was releasing an emotional comedown. I said I hate seeing you angry. 

Facing the office again was the hardest thing in the world. Knowing people had complained about me, facing the world with dried tears and a red face took a champion’s heart to ride it out. I was allowed to leave earlier, and I’ll probably never know what was said about my departure.

My line manager was shocked to see me return on Monday morning. Although I didn’t want to be there, I honestly had thought  about disappearing. I wanted this chance to prove myself that I can do this job and I can do it well.
And I think I did 🙂

(It turned out that virus was so powerful that it had held the FBI to ransom, luckily it was resolved fairly quickly by IT)